Today, I'm going to ask you who read this to pray for me in a specific way.
As of today, it's been approximately 7 years and 7 months since I last served in full time ministry. I've prayed often - and more so recently - asking God if a return to full time ministry might ever be a part of my future. Given the events that necessitated my exit the first time, I'm just not sure if that's going to be possible, at least not for a few more years. Who knows.
When I was 17, I felt a true calling from God to serve in ministry. I founded the first FCA at my high school. I went to a christian college, graduated with a degree in Bible and ministry, and was doing as my work what I thought I was going to do for the rest of my life. But, despite my eventual fallout, the way I thought of ministry and how I viewed "success" were way off base. I felt relatively "successful" in ministry at a young age because I had a lot of connections with ministry people and ministry stuff. By age 20 I was traveling each January to lead seminars at an annual youth workers convention. I won an award my senior year of college as the "top ministry student" in the graduating class. I was comfortable in front of people, leading worship or speaking. I was getting calls from ministers at other churches inviting me to come and speak to their groups or go on their retreats as a special guest.
But, really, those things were all pretty much crap. My heart wasn't in the right place. The way I viewed helping people was wrong. I wasn't connecting with people in my own church. I wasn't building lasting relationships. I wasn't serving the community and helping those in need. I wasn't leading people to Christ by befriending them and showing them His love, but by doing things I thought was cool or fun and hoping those things were somehow reflecting Jesus to others.
Even now, I struggle with those kinds of things. I'm still concerned about numbers, and image, "being relevant" and almost dumbing Jesus down in a way that allows me to live with less discipline and conviction.
And in spite of all that, I really miss the calling of ministry. As time goes by, the work I do each day to make a living seems less and less fulfilling, and I yearn more for the opportunity to serve God again in a full time capacity. I don't know if this will happen. If God opens a path in some way, I don't know if it would be in the local church. Maybe it could be with a charity or other service organization. Maybe I continue the work I'm doing now and pray more for consistent opportunities to serve in the evenings and on weekends, either with my church or with other area ministries.
I'm still praying these things out. Even if God said, "Yes, go for it", I'm not even sure where my area of desire is. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even praying these things in vain. My sin was great and is a difficult thing for most people to forgive. I understand that. I understand that I would be held highly accountable, and that in the human realm, my slate will likely never be wiped clean.
So, as I stated at the beginning, I'm asking you to pray for me. I need to wrestle with God on this and see if there's any answers He might have, one way or another. I'm very thankful for you who read this. Feel free to comment - anonymously even - if you have any thoughts or suggestions. And may God be for the Packers and against the Patriots in the NFL playoffs. Amen.
wrestling with God and ministry...
Topic #10 - Giving vs Helping
"Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he'll eat forever."
Matthew 19:21 - Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."
I think a lot about my lack of giving or service or help to those in need (aka - "the poor"). Anytime in my life where I've given or served freely, I've always been blessed and so thankful for the opportunity to help. Yet I do so little. I'm serious...SO little. I'm so concerned with my own life, my own time, my own needs, and my own happiness that I simply block out the needs of others. It's sad.
But I've also been thinking a lot about the difference between "giving" and "helping". It's so easy to give. Take donations to Goodwill. Put in a little extra offering. Support a local charity with a monthly check. Even serving food in a shelter to the homeless. All good things, but all pretty easy and non-invested types of things.
I came across this story recently. I don't know if it's wholly true or not, but I think it probably is. It really brings to light the vast difference between "giving" and "helping" people in need.
It's easy to give someone money....but how do we HELP that person learn better work skills, earn more money and manage it more wisely? It's easy to donate food to a pantry. But how do we connect with families in need of food and HELP them get off their feet and provide for themselves? It's easy to see someone on Sunday at church who is struggling with finances, marriage, their job, sin, or a broken down car and to be nice to them and tell them we're praying for them, but how do we HELP this person work through the situation and come out better on the other side?
Again, as usual, I don't have much in the way of answers. Just a continued struggle. It's just frustrating to see Christians and the church miss the mark so often when it comes to helping those who need it most. We all work more, do more, drive more, commit to more, have a hundred responsibilities a week, and are left with almost no time leftover to truly invest ourselves in the lives of others. We like the concept of serving, but don't understand the application of it.
I'm praying that God might give me clarity and opportunity in this area. I'm tired of being stressed and busy and all about me. Life is not very fruitful or satisfying without serving others in need. And I don't want to be 68 years old and "retired" before I realize it. Please pray about how we all might serve/help others daily. Jesus lived it. He taught it. He commanded it. It's ultimately what our lives on earth are all about once we've been saved.
1 John 3:17-19 (The Message) This is how we've come to understand and experience love: Christ sacrificed his life for us. This is why we ought to live sacrificially for our fellow believers, and not just be out for ourselves. If you see some brother or sister in need and have the means to do something about it but turn a cold shoulder and do nothing, what happens to God's love? It disappears. And you made it disappear. My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.